RELATIONSHIPS

Everyone knows relationships are difficult.  You have two people who generally start out as strangers with (sometimes) an intention of becoming life-long committed partners.  Scary.  You have to open yourself up, share your secrets and deepest regrets with this person so that they can understand you completely. 

So say you meet this wonderful Prince or Princess Charming type who pledges their love and (gag) dying devotion to you and you find yourself opening up like a spring flower.  Suddenly all those secret fears and things about yourself you rarely, if ever, share come flying out of your mouth.  You have now told your stranger turned soulmate all your deepest and darkest and they look at you with warmth and admiration and they say "this only makes me love you more" and they return the favour by spilling their beans.

You two run hand-in-hand loving that you are both misfits in life.  You have finally found that one person who understands you, who gets you and who even has secrets just as deep and just as dark as you do.  You start to plan that life together, strangers no more.

What is that first big hurdle most of us face?  Moving in together.  You gather your stuff and take it to their place or maybe they take theirs to yours.  Suddenly there is too much stuff, so you get a bigger apartment and move ALL of your stuff together with friends and/or family and you hold hands, kiss each other and think "This is going to be great!".

What no one prepares you for, not even your family, is the adjustment.  All those nasty habits you have that you have never told a single person about and are sometimes even embarrassed about yourself.  The honeymoon phase gets you through this for a long time but eventually that wears off and what you are left with is your stranger turned soul mate who annoys you.  Sometimes that "love can conquer all" attitude really does help but more often than not, you end up arguing.  You want to discuss your point of view and why it irritates you when they pick-it and flick-it.  It ends up becoming about respect and compromise and less about how perfect they are for you.

A lot of times what happens is there is an unwillingness to change.  Either on one or both parts.  As human beings we can be so stubborn and set in our ways that we refuse to listen to criticism or the pleas of our partner.  Instead we continue to believe that we are right and THEY are wrong.  Some of us do this to the extreme.  Whether its constantly telling the other person that they're wrong, they're stupid or their behaviour is moronic.  Others get angry and try to fight it out, arguing their point of view for hours, days and weeks on end.  This ends in separation, divorce and sometimes murder!  When in reality the solution is simple.

If you love your stranger turned soul mate and you notice that they're upset and they try desperately to find a way to explain to you the why of it all, don't shut them down.  DO NOT use that "I'm smarter than you, better than you, and more handsome" approach.  Instead actually listen.  Tell them that you understand where they're coming from, even if you don't.  Let them know that they are just as important to you as you are to them.  DO NOT bring up all their deep dark secrets and fears telling them they deserve your wrath.  DO NOT tell them how stupid they are and how superior you are.  Just listen, actually act like you care.  Even if you're not, tell them you are sorry for "whatever" it was that upset them (inserting the actual thing that upset them, not the "whatever").  Maybe hold their hand to comfort the blow.  Tell them you'll try to use that Kleenex next time.  If you really care about your partner, that person you chose to start a life with, possibly a family, treat them like they mean something to you.  Be the bigger person.

You'll find your life and your love so much more rewarding.  All anyone wants is to have someone understand and love them.  Faults and all.